Daughter to Dad TEXTING Communication in Today's Generation



Daddy, I am coming home to get married, soon. Get out your check book. LOL

I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia, and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber. My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding."

Lots of love and thanks, Your favorite daughter, Lilly





Dads reply ....also by texting




My Dear Lilly: Like Wow! Really? Cool!

Whatever....., I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal. And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on Ebay.

L.O.L. ,

Daddy

Wish I had thought of that when my daughter wanted to get married. Lol

I
would have given him 100%!






The teacher had no sense of
humor.:)

Q1..In which battle did Napoleon
die?


* his last battle


Q2.. Where was the Declaration of
Independence signed?


* at the bottom of the page


Q3.. River Ravi flows in which
state?


* liquid


Q4.. What is the main reason for
divorce?


* marriage


Q5.. What is the main reason for
failure?

* exams


Q6..What can you never eat for
breakfast?

* Lunch & dinner


Q7..What looks like half an
apple?


* The other half


Q8.. If you throw a red stone into the blue
sea what will it
become?


* Wet


Q9..How can a man go eight days without
sleeping?


*No problem, he sleeps at
night.


Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one
hand?


*You will never find an elephant that
has one hand.


Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges
in one hand and four apples and
three oranges in
other hand, what would you have?


* Very large hands


Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build
a wall, how long would it take
four men to
build it?


*No time at all, the wall is already
built.


Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a
concrete floor without cracking it?


*Any way you want, concrete floors
are very hard to crack.

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde.

The boy looks at her incredulously and says, "Because I'm the Goalie !"

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a Prostate exam.
Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone
under the knife or had those pellets implanted.......

The waiting room was filled with patients. As I approached the
receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who
looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me,
a now very embarrassed man.

But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE
OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

The room erupted in applause!
DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!!

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny.

"Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.

" She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

Subject: SEX AND GOOD GRAMMAR





On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man, living on a nearby, reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction!... The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.



The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, ''This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."



The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"



"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4'," he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."



He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"



And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling …….”Participle”.

That was pretty good .

Harriett recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.





Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....
You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
"Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes,





She said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"





"Well here it comes."

Oh ,that was Bad .

Like this at the gym.

Now that was funny.

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

That s good one

That was good ,need some more .

Good one Ken

DISTRESS AT 18,000 FEET

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled “Mayday, Mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, Mayday!!”

The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. “Calm down, we acknowledge you and we will guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!”.

He began his series of questions.

Tower: “How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??”

Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the dials in front of me”.

Tower: “Okay, that is good, remain calm. How do you know you are traveling at 180 mph??”

Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 180 mph on the dials in front of me”.

Tower: “Okay, that is good. How do you know you're flying upside down??”

I am pretty sure you will love this reply…

…

…

Aircraft: “Because the shit in my pants is sliding out of my collar.”

Lol.............................................

Our teacher asked me what my favorite animal was, and I said "fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but that couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do too. Especially chicken, pork, and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

Old Age

* Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice!!!
* I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.
* I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!
* My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
* Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!
* I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.
*The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes" .
* Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
* I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!
* The biggest lie I tell myself is ..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
* If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
*Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
*Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!
* Old age is coming at a really bad time!
* Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!
* Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
* When did it change from "We the people" to "Screw the people" ?
* Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
* At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

I don't have A.D.D. it's just that .... Oh look a bunny!

A jet plane, feared to be Air Force One, has crashed at a farm in Rural Kentucky. The local Sheriff’s department mustered every last deputy and resource as it converged on the crash site. By the time they arrived at the scene, only the burning skeleton of the hull was visible.

The sheriff and his deputies immediately began searching for survivors and dead bodies but found nothing. Just then, a deputy noticed a farmer plowing the next field over who seemed oblivious to the crashed airplane.

Rushing over to talk to the farmer the sheriff yelled, “Hank, what happened here? Did you see this jet crash?” “Yeah, I saw it sheriff,” the farmer said calmly. “Well do you know that this is Air Force One, President Obama’s plane?” “Yep” “Were there any survivors?” “No sir, theys all dead as doornail,” Hank answered. “I buried them all this morning myself.” “President Obama is dead?” asked the sheriff. “Well” Hank mumbled starting up his tractor, “He kept a-sayin he wasn’t, but you know how bad that sumbitch lies.”

Now I liked that one.

Saw this on facebook. Around here we need them. Uh you running off the road there doing 30 in a 55.

http://i1224.photobucket.com/albums/...pskvfdbyzg.jpg

Hillary Takes a Muslim Name......



TERRORIST ACTIVITY HAS CAUSED HILLARY CLINTON

TO TAKE MEASURES IN ORDER TO PROTECT HER CANDIDACY

FOR THE 2016 PRESIDENCY.

FOR SECURITY REASONS, HILLARY HAS CHOSEN A MUSLIM NAME.


SELDOM BIN LAYED I can understand why! I cringe just at the thought of it!


.......as we get closer to the election, we must remember that we cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs........


The last time she had a simple job to do, she outsourced it to Monica Lewinsky.

Obama asked Bill Clinton, "How is Hillary's head?"

To which he replied, "She's no Monica."