Need your advice my friends.(serious thread)

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Trap a racoon and spray paint it the color of your wife's cat then , assuming your wife wears glasses, rub a thin film of soap over her lenses .... on the way out the door place the "cat" on the wife's lap and say Adios for the weekend.... no guareentees on if this will work or not but considerering you are in deep do-do you gotta try everything.